Today I feel proud. My name sits on a board facing the main road, on an important street in Central Mumbai. It gives this information to people who are looking for me--"Hey! He's here" and tells others that such and such person exists and you can find him here, if you need. Having a board up, in my opinion, proclaims that you are certainly confident of what you are doing and are you want people to seek you out. It says that you are no longer afraid of who you are and are ready to take on the world.
But I am afraid. It's my family name out there. I hope to do the name proud. I hope my family and baby are proud to see that board up there.
I started out about 12 years ago in this chosen field of ENT. During my post graduation I had a tumultuous time. I would experience daily or weekly times of extreme disappointment alternating with ecstasy. When I finished, I thought I would one day be the greatest ENT surgeon to have lived. I had no fears and I thought I could conquer all.
As I stepped out into the field of private practice about 6 years ago, I realised that things aren't the same as when you are in college. There is no back up. There is no support, ready made and available to you always. You have to deal with the consequences of your actions. Everyday is a learning experience. This is all rhetoric, something you will hear from every medical person. Luckily I have found some friends who are there for my help whenever I need them.
Somewhere along the road, I developed this need to introspect and be very critical of myself. But that turned into self doubt.
The concept of being average was never in my horizon. I always had to be good, with an aim to be better. With self doubt came the feeling of being average. What always made it worse was the fact that with the ongoings of daily life, I started accepting that being average was ok.
Every now and then, I would do a really difficult case or get a diagnosis spot on, or help a person who was immensely thankful. These days gave me some affirmation and a few good days go by. But again, as I introspect, "am I too harsh on myself? am I too critical?"
"don't I deserve to feel proud of what I have achieved?"
Maybe I discount the good stuff being done regularly as average because I consider that as normal? How does the saying go, one mans' food is another mans' poison?
But then, would that not be cocky? I am after all, not someone who really celebrates too wildly.
So, to counter this. ping pong of thoughts in my head, every day I aspire to be better. Be a better person despite my failings. Apologise and accept those and try to improve.
But I have to learn.
Learn to allow myself to feel Proud.
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Our lives are nothing if we do not use it to help someone. We are not here to amass great wealth and spend it on ourselves. A. truly fulfilling life is when you give and you help others.